A Hairy Situation
When puberty hits, it can be everywhere… or nowhere. We’re talking body hair. Question is, do you have the right amount of hair? If you can braid it, shave it off Chewbacca. If it's not visible, grow some you pre-pubescent baby. The amount of hair you have on your body determines whether you're a smash or a pass. Perfection is the key to life-long happiness so it's time to get plucking and trimming.
First off, if you are a girl, your body should resemble that of a smooth, hairless mole rat. Yes, that means the only hair visible should be on your head, eyebrows and eyelashes. Some realistic role models that you can follow are Kylie Jenner, Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, and supermodel Miranda Kerr. Face it, there is no such thing as being “comfortable in your own skin.” Reality is, if you want others to like you, you must conform to these expectations no matter what. There are many ways to accomplish glowing, soft, hair-free skin. You can shave off your hair with a razor, soap, and water. This might cause severe irritation and bleeding, but just put on some lotion. Another easy, pain-free method is by placing hot wax on your skin and ripping off your hair at the root. Don't worry! It's like ripping off a band-aid. However, if you are looking for something more permanent, laser hair removal is the only way to go. According to the New York Times, this treatment has gotten extremely popular, even though it can lead to “disfiguring injuries and severe burns in sensitive areas, like the bikini line and the mustache area above the lips, and, rarely, even death.” Truth is, hairless perfection is worth dying for! However, there are some elusive people like freshman, Nathalia Arevalo, who “think girls are beautiful with or without hair.” It's this type of dangerous thinking that will hold back the female species from developing.
Now, if you are a guy, you should look somewhat like the all mighty Sasquatch, just better groomed. The luscious beards and chest hairs are being flaunted and the ladies are loving it. They need something to run their fingers through. If you need some inspiration, just reference celebrities like Drake, Ryan Gosling, Chris Hemsworth, or even Gandalf! It’s the only way to be “the ladies man.” However, there are many lost, unfortunate souls who simply “don’t have that much hair” according to junior, Cesar Hernández, “usually more hair means you’re more manly, but I don’t care. My confidence stays the same.” This is where he goes absolutely wrong. Of course, you should care! If you don’t have hair, obviously you are not man enough. You will never be truly happy. Besides, it's not about your happiness, it's about making sure that when other people look at you, they like what they see. Might as well be a hairless mole rat-like the girls; you will be better off.
These are just a few of many wonderful tips on how to achieve the perfect amount of body hair for your gender. These are super easy and really fun! Just in case nothing works, try looking in the mirror every morning and say, “Maybe someday, someone will like me.” This should immediately fix your self-esteem. You're welcome.
